instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the Martian ambassador, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local bank is a front for the evil works of the Martian ambassador. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to establish a global oil cartel. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Ronald Regan to Ian Paisley have been caught out. Only Paddy Ashdown has seen through the scam, which is why MI5, in cahoots with the Martian ambassador, is trying to hide the evidence of alien visitations with a view to putting an end to Paddy Ashdown. "

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