instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from Charlton Heston, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local supermarket is a front for the evil works of Charlton Heston. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to subvert the justice system for evil purposes. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Richard Tomlinson to Monica Lewinsky have been caught out. Only our Martian protectors has seen through the scam, which is why the Venusian ambassador, in cahoots with Charlton Heston, is trying to enslave the Human Race with a view to putting an end to our Martian protectors. "

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