instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the Venusian commander-in-chief, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local bank is a front for the evil works of the Venusian commander-in-chief. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to bring about Armageddon. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Dan Quayle to Boris Yeltsin have been caught out. Only our Martian protectors has seen through the scam, which is why the FBI, in cahoots with the Venusian commander-in-chief, is trying to hide the evidence of alien visitations with a view to putting an end to our Martian protectors. "

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