instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the Branch Davidian Sect, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local supermarket is a front for the evil works of the Branch Davidian Sect. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to establish a global oil cartel. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Ronald Regan to Boris Yeltsin have been caught out. Only our Venusian protectors has seen through the scam, which is why the Venusian ambassador, in cahoots with the Branch Davidian Sect, is trying to create a race of slaves with a view to putting an end to our Venusian protectors. "

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