instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the Martian ambassador, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "Isn't it obvious that Salman Rushdie has been killed by the Martian ambassador and replaced by an agent of the FBI who has undergone extensive plastic surgery? Clearly the Martian ambassador is planning to prevent the return of the Messiah when the agent of the FBI assassinates Boris Yeltsin. The only solution is for the Vietnam Veterans Association to stop the Martian ambassador and the FBI, which is impossible unless NATO will pass a resolution to allow the public to own main battle tanks. "

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