instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the Martian commander-in-chief, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local supermarket is a front for the evil works of the Martian commander-in-chief. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to prevent the return of the Messiah. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Marilyn Manson to William Hague have been caught out. Only the NRA has seen through the scam, which is why Charlton Heston, in cahoots with the Martian commander-in-chief, is trying to take over the world with a view to putting an end to the NRA. "

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