instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the CIA, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local bank is a front for the evil works of the CIA. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to hide the evidence of human eugenics experiments. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Salman Rushdie to Dan Quayle have been caught out. Only our Venusian protectors has seen through the scam, which is why the Martian envoy, in cahoots with the CIA, is trying to bring about a new Great Flood with a view to putting an end to our Venusian protectors. "

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