instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the Venusian ambassador, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local bank is a front for the evil works of the Venusian ambassador. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to destroy population centres of the world. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Boris Yeltsin to Ian Paisley have been caught out. Only Leonardo DiCaprio has seen through the scam, which is why the Martian ambassador, in cahoots with the Venusian ambassador, is trying to bring us all under the sway of a despotic ruler with a view to putting an end to Leonardo DiCaprio. "

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