instructions

   this is your conspiracy theory. mutter it in bars, scream it on street corners, keep it to yourself for fear of reprisals from the Martian ambassador, do what you want with it. good luck.

   please note: we can't guarantee a coherent theory. it may even be self-contradictory. this hasn't mattered to generations of conspiracy theorists, why should it matter to you?

theory

   "The local supermarket is a front for the evil works of the Martian ambassador. It's part of a national chain of illegal racketeering outlets, whose final aim is to bring us all under the sway of a despotic ruler. They've already claimed victims - everyone from Col. Ghadaffi to Boris Yeltsin have been caught out. Only the Dalai Llama has seen through the scam, which is why MI5, in cahoots with the Martian ambassador, is trying to bring world civilisation to its knees with a view to putting an end to the Dalai Llama. "

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